I realise most people got over that beginning of autumn/new term feeling about a month ago, but due to two weeks of post-ERPC hibernation followed by an actual holiday in the sun I’m a bit behind.
Last week was ‘back to school’ for me. Back in the office, back in the gym and, well, back to reality.
I’ve done all those crisp autumn air, new term-ish things. Cleared out my wardrobe. Dug out my black tights. Polished my boots. Booked a haircut. Planned meals for the week. Marie Kondo-ed my sock drawer. Basically everything shy of buying a new pencil case.
As if a new diary and taking my shoes to be re-heeled will somehow fix everything. As if it will change how I feel.
I do feel better, though.
Being back in the office was trickier than expected, admittedly. Tiring. And I’m still not sure what to say to those people who don’t know the whole story. I don’t know if honesty really is the best policy when some well-meaning person asks if I’ve had a nice break.
I usually wimp out and stick with a mumbled ‘yes, fine thanks’. Which, given that I’m always over here waving the flag saying we must talk about this stuff, makes me feel a bit cowardly.
I did manage to tell one colleague the truth in the loos, after they asked if I’d been ill, and we had an awkward hug. Which was nice.
But on the whole, things are slowly picking up. We’ve got a date for our first appointment at the recurrent miscarriage clinic, and the charity run next year, so that’s given us some structure; something to point our lives towards.
I no longer feel like crying at toddlers in coffee shops or scowling at women pushing prams
I’ve also given up all the borderline bonkers things I was doing/avoiding pre- and during pregnancy (E.g. not wearing nail varnish or perfume or eating or drinking out of plastic for fear of what the chemicals might be doing – totally unscientific, of course, but you get a bit desperate). And I’m not tracking ovulation or anything like that for the first time in about a year and it is as if a hulking weight has been lifted, I’m surprised to say.
I still feel sad, of course I do, but I no longer feel like crying at toddlers in coffee shops or scowling at women pushing prams (For the record I never actually did this second one, I’m not a completely terrible person. I just *really* wanted to.)
Mostly, I think I’m doing a passable impression of a functioning human being. (Though one thing that still kills me is seeing a pregnant woman stroking her bump. I can’t explain why. It just makes my insides turn to oil.)
What else has helped? Probably not one a doctor would condone, but I got drunk. Properly drunk. We went Out Out (the kind of Out that requires a taxi home and 2am cheese on toast) and I was rewarded with my first hangover in 18 months. Hangover aside, it felt good – a reminder of a different, simpler time. Even if I know I don’t live there any more.
Because while I’ve called this post On Getting Back To Normal, in truth I think I know that there’s no use searching for the person I was before all this. I won’t be able to find her at the bottom of a bucket of wine or by scrabbling through my sock drawer. But I can at least feel like less of a shell.
And who wants to be just ‘normal’ anyway?
What do you do to feel better/more like yourself again? What helps/helped? Do share in the comments below, I’d love to know.
I write. I draw. I go on long ass walks and I cry. Then I nust try to get on with it.
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Nothing beats a long ass walk, I agree! x
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Don’t know if this will be any help to you but my daughter had two recurrent miscarriages the third time she was pregnant a specialist in this field put her on progesterone for the first 14 weeks and aspirin throughout her pregnancy she has just had a little baby girl called Grace maybe this might be something that could help you
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Hi Jennie! Having recently found your blog, I’m working my way through reading all your posts. I’ve found it difficult to ‘get back to normal’, particularly when people expect you to “be over it already”. My most recent miscarriage was only 4 weeks ago and I’ve had comments from people along the lines of asking me why I’m not “back to my old self” yet. I’m not sure what else to say about that, other than that maybe I wish they’d be a bit more understanding. I thought I was doing pretty well, considering! Hope you’ve been taking whatever time you’ve needed to take and doing whatever you’ve needed to do for you to get through one day at a time. xx
Hi Alyssa – gosh, four weeks is no time at all. I’m sure they mean well/just want you to feel better. But what I wish people would understand a bit more is that you may never feel entirely like your old self again. I certainly don’t, although I do feel much better than I did, say, a month ago. But I still find I have to be careful with myself, if that makes any sense at all. I find I don’t cope very well if I’m too tired, stressed, rushed or over-worked, so I’m all about the early nights, baths, and not drinking at the moment. I’m just SO much fun…. Hope you are doing OK. Jennie xxx
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You’re absolutely right, Jennie. We may not ever feel entirely like our old selves again. I’m not much fun at the moment either! But I have recently picked up a glass of wine or two again. You need to take care of yourself and it sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I’m so glad I’ve found your blog. It’s so good of you to let others know we are not alone. xx