A birthday

Just a short note to introduce you to Edward, our son, who arrived last week – all of a sudden and at long last.

He is truly the brightest of rainbows after a storm. Born during a global pandemic, conceived when hope was fading, after four miscarriages and their attendant grief, which had settled over our lives like a cold sea fog.



Last weekend – at one day past my due date – Dan and I went to the maternity unit concerned about reduced movements and whether my waters had started to go. Little did we know, as we drove to triage, it would be three days before I would get to go home again – and that when I did it would be with our baby tucked up safely in his carseat. (With me sat next to him in the back, rather than the front passenger seat, because I needed to keep my eyes on him the whole way home. Just in case.)

Because I was full-term and because of our history, the hospital had offered me an induction straightaway and 24 hours later Edward (all 8lb 3oz of him) was placed on my chest. It was beyond happiness, beyond relief, beyond tears. I still don’t know how exactly to describe that moment, but this, from my favourite poem, comes pretty close: ‘the birthday of my life is come, my love is come to me’.

I’m going to be taking a break from the blog (and everything else) for a month or so, but I will be back with thoughts on birth and parenting after loss as soon as I can. I will also be running more guest blogs later in the year. (And in case there was any doubt, this site will not be morphing into a ‘mummy’ blog – everything I share about this next chapter in our story will always be through the lens of loss and longing in the hope that it’s useful for anyone going through something similar.)

Finally, if you are new to this site, perhaps having just lost a baby, I have written about each of our miscarriages here, here, here, and here. This post on tests for recurrent miscarriage might be helpful – as might this one on getting the results. I’ve written about this fifth and successful pregnancy here, including what we did and didn’t do differently. There is also this post on coping strategies and ways to feel better, plus there’s a list of useful resources here – from organisations offering counselling to book and podcast recommendations.

And wherever you are on your ‘journey’ (ughh, dread word) I sincerely hope this post gives you hope. I promise you, all is not lost. It may not unfold exactly as you’d planned it, but your baby, your joy, your next chapter is coming. The birthday of your life is coming.

7 Comments

  1. I just read your essay about Your Four Miscarriages, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe till I found out if you had your baby. So happy for you! A description that I read a long time ago about being a parent–“your heart walking around outside your body.” It will always be that. My daughter is 31, it took 10 years to get pregnant, she is back under my roof during the pandemic. But that feeling will never end. Congratulations, and welcome to the club!

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  2. I happened to see your article “My Four Miscarriages…” in The Guardian and just wanted to offer a heartfelt “Congratulations!” to you and your husband from across the pond. Little Edward is absolutely adorable. Happy cuddles to all of you.

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  3. I stumbled across your article “My Four Miscarriages…” today, while I was supposed to be working. I couldn’t make myself work until I finished your article…and then, I confess, I hoped so much that your fifth pregnancy brought a baby to your arms, that I googled around until I found this blog post. Congratulations to you and Dan!! I too had a pandemic baby – March 19 – after losing a pregnancy a year earlier. And while I already had two healthy children at the time of that loss (and cannot imagine reliving that pain for multiple miscarriages), I feel more connected to other women that are suffering because I went through a similar experience. I think there is company in grief. Thank you for the work you do to raise awareness about reproductive health and trauma. Congratulations so deeply on beautiful Edward!

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