Just a short note to introduce you to Edward, our son, who arrived last week – all of a sudden and at long last.
He is truly the brightest of rainbows after a storm. Born during a global pandemic, conceived when hope was fading, after four miscarriages and their attendant grief, which had settled over our lives like a cold sea fog.
Last weekend – at one day past my due date – Dan and I went to the maternity unit concerned about reduced movements and whether my waters had started to go. Little did we know, as we drove to triage, it would be three days before I would get to go home again – and that when I did it would be with our baby tucked up safely in his carseat. (With me sat next to him in the back, rather than the front passenger seat, because I needed to keep my eyes on him the whole way home. Just in case.)
Because I was full-term and because of our history, the hospital had offered me an induction straightaway and 24 hours later Edward (all 8lb 3oz of him) was placed on my chest. It was beyond happiness, beyond relief, beyond tears. I still don’t know how exactly to describe that moment, but this, from my favourite poem, comes pretty close: ‘the birthday of my life is come, my love is come to me’.
I’m going to be taking a break from the blog (and everything else) for a month or so, but I will be back with thoughts on birth and parenting after loss as soon as I can. I will also be running more guest blogs later in the year. (And in case there was any doubt, this site will not be morphing into a ‘mummy’ blog – everything I share about this next chapter in our story will always be through the lens of loss and longing in the hope that it’s useful for anyone going through something similar.)
Finally, if you are new to this site, perhaps having just lost a baby, I have written about each of our miscarriages here, here, here, and here. This post on tests for recurrent miscarriage might be helpful – as might this one on getting the results. I’ve written about this fifth and successful pregnancy here, including what we did and didn’t do differently. There is also this post on coping strategies and ways to feel better, plus there’s a list of useful resources here – from organisations offering counselling to book and podcast recommendations.
And wherever you are on your ‘journey’ (ughh, dread word) I sincerely hope this post gives you hope. I promise you, all is not lost. It may not unfold exactly as you’d planned it, but your baby, your joy, your next chapter is coming. The birthday of your life is coming.