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The Uterus Monologues: Miscarriage, motherhood and me

The Uterus Monologues: Miscarriage, motherhood and me

Life after recurrent miscarriage

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Tag: anxiety

July 2, 2020July 1, 2020Jennie

Any day now

Will this be the week I give birth? Could it be tomorrow or later today, even? One way or the other, it will be this month, at least. Somehow, I  still can’t wrap my head around the idea. My mum messaged me the other day, checking in, and said how this time last year I […]

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April 2, 2020April 2, 2020Jennie

COVID-19: Some fears and some facts

It’s difficult to know what to write at times like these. My anxiety that something will go wrong with this pregnancy (our fifth)  reached new heights this week. It’s been surreal feeling my nebulous, shapeless worries harden into concrete, very real fears in the face of the COVID-19 pandemic. Will I still be able to have […]

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March 19, 2020March 19, 2020Jennie

Guest monologue: Miscarriage and pregnancy in the shadow of a pandemic

When this post from a reader landed in my inbox this week, it could not have been better timed…It said so many things I have been thinking and feeling, but haven’t been able to process properly yet. As you probably know by now, I am pregnant for a fifth time (you can read more about […]

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October 15, 2019February 26, 2020Jennie

Guest monologue: A rainbow – and the clouds that linger

A guest post by Zoe (@motherof__pearl). In the darkness of night, I wake, sweating, my heart hammering. The room is silent. I try to place myself for a second, but my body is already in motion, leaning over, turning on the lamp, peering at his chest before my mind has caught up, watching for that […]

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Aerial view of a woman sitting reading a magazine with a cup of coffee and a blanket - magazine headline reads 'how to be sociable when you don't feel like it'
June 14, 2019Jennie

How to be sociable (when you really don’t feel like it)

I’ve got a piece in this month’s Red magazine about socialising – specifically, how to be sociable when you don’t feel like it. I’d pitched it after seeing one too many ‘I’m sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come’ memes, thinking that it would be interesting to delve into why we’re all apparently so […]

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Say hello on Instagram...

For anyone feeling stuck or lost right now, this is a post for you (as much as it is also a reading recommendation). I read the first book in this series, The Cazalet Chronicles, three years ago on the holiday we took during our year-long break from trying to conceive. I loved it so much that, in an attempt to spread out the pleasure of it, I decided I would read the rest of the series at a rate of no more than one book per year. This meant I ended up reading the second volume in the final weeks of my pregnancy with Edward and then in the hazy first weeks of his life. (Please don’t ask me to recount any plot detail…)
When I was pregnant for the first time, the 12-week ‘rule’ seemed little more than a fun tradition to me. We didn’t tell many people ‘in case something happened’, but without really believing anything actually would. Whether you tell people early, or whether you wait, either way, this enduring social convention starts to feel like a big cosmic joke after you lose a pregnancy.
Hi, I’m Jennie - and this is what the back of my hair actually looks like in real life. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wasn’t going to share this picture. I’ve been having a kind of Instagram stage fright - it often happens when I’ve been posting reasonably regularly for a bit. I start to feel over-exposed, I annoy myself, I worry and question everything I start to write. I tell myself that if I’m going to share my awkward selfies and snapshots of my rather quiet life, I better have something powerful and important to say. So I end up saying nothing for a bit and feeling rubbish. But do you know what? Life’s too short.
This is from an old post, which I re-shared on my stories earlier this week. Judging by my inbox, it seems to have struck a chord so I thought I’d post it here too. Because I think there’s a still an anxiety around talking about abortion or being pro-choice as someone who desperately wants to become pregnant or who has grieved for a miscarriage - as if these causes are completely separate or even at odds with each other. As if by declaring one thing you are invalidating your own feelings about the other: your right to grieve, your imagining of what you lost as a life, or what could have been a life.
I am personally very grateful to this week’s guest post author, as it’s helped me appraise and explore my own feelings about this particular topic - whether and when to try for another child after a ‘rainbow’ baby. In this post, Steph @crossing_everything reflects so honestly on the prospect of trying again, after a miscarriage, a tfmr, and then after finding the newborn phase with her rainbow girl difficult. I found it helpful and - ultimately - hopeful, too. (Tap the link in my bio to read).
✨ Am I making the most of it? Am I cherishing our time? Is this ‘special’ enough? ✨ These sorts of questions have buzzed around my brain basically ever since Edward was born. Mostly, they existed as nebulous guilt; a panic I couldn’t yet articulate. Time was running out. I wouldn’t get these ‘firsts’ again. This was it, the moment(s) I had waited for for so long. Was I making it special enough?

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