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The Uterus Monologues: Miscarriage, motherhood and me

The Uterus Monologues: Miscarriage, motherhood and me

Life after recurrent miscarriage

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Tag: anxiety

July 2, 2020July 1, 2020Jennie

Any day now

Will this be the week I give birth? Could it be tomorrow or later today, even? One way or the other, it will be this month, at least. Somehow, I  still can’t wrap my head around the idea. My mum messaged me the other day, checking in, and said how this time last year I […]

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April 2, 2020April 2, 2020Jennie

COVID-19: Some fears and some facts

It’s difficult to know what to write at times like these. My anxiety that something will go wrong with this pregnancy (our fifth)  reached new heights this week. It’s been surreal feeling my nebulous, shapeless worries harden into concrete, very real fears in the face of the COVID-19 pandemic. Will I still be able to have […]

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March 19, 2020March 19, 2020Jennie

Guest monologue: Miscarriage and pregnancy in the shadow of a pandemic

When this post from a reader landed in my inbox this week, it could not have been better timed…It said so many things I have been thinking and feeling, but haven’t been able to process properly yet. As you probably know by now, I am pregnant for a fifth time (you can read more about […]

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October 15, 2019February 26, 2020Jennie

Guest monologue: A rainbow – and the clouds that linger

A guest post by Zoe (@motherof__pearl). In the darkness of night, I wake, sweating, my heart hammering. The room is silent. I try to place myself for a second, but my body is already in motion, leaning over, turning on the lamp, peering at his chest before my mind has caught up, watching for that […]

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Aerial view of a woman sitting reading a magazine with a cup of coffee and a blanket - magazine headline reads 'how to be sociable when you don't feel like it'
June 14, 2019Jennie

How to be sociable (when you really don’t feel like it)

I’ve got a piece in this month’s Red magazine about socialising – specifically, how to be sociable when you don’t feel like it. I’d pitched it after seeing one too many ‘I’m sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come’ memes, thinking that it would be interesting to delve into why we’re all apparently so […]

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Say hello on Instagram...

Hello, if you’re new around here (and if you’re not, of course 👋). I’m Jennie. I was going to do one of those ‘about me’ posts you’re supposed to do when you get a little influx of followers. But then I couldn’t find a decent, recent picture of me without Edward in too, so I thought I’d talk about that instead: how much baby content is OK to share after loss(es) and/or infertility?
After months of staring at my screen, writing things, then deleting them, I’ve finally got a new blog post up. It’s about the transition from being a person trying really hard to have a baby to being a parent at last - and the tricks that plays on your brain. It includes some thoughts about the conflicting demands on your empathy, and also how your perspective and ability to relate to people who are still trying changes, as much as you may not want it to.
For anyone logging on after Mother’s Day weekend, who found yesterday hard, let me say this: well done. I’ll say it because no one else will. Well done for making it through the weeks of build-up, the constant reminders in the form of marketing emails and TV ads. Well done for getting through the deluge of social media tributes, the baby photos, the breathtaking insensitivity from some, and the thoughtful, well-meaning memes from others that you’re grateful for, but which don’t necessarily make you feel any better either. Well done for getting on with it, picking yourself up, and carrying on. Well done.
‘It is only kindness that makes sense any more.’ I shared this poem in full on my stories earlier in the week and I felt it deserved a more permanent home here. It seems fitting to me after the news cycle we’ve just had - and with Mother’s Day approaching. Kindness is the only thing that makes sense any more. (Try to include yourself in that this weekend). ❤️
How do we talk about the difficult parts of parenting a longed for baby? Spoiler alert: I don’t know. This picture is an outtake from one I shared a couple of months back, when Edward turned 6 months, and which I immediately felt guilty about sharing because it was so un-representative of how my life looked and how I felt on the inside. This picture is marginally more like it. A bit less polished, less cropped, less filtered. You can see the weeds pushing up through the cracks. A plant in the background that needs to go to the tip. My squashed, awkward smile; smiling through internal chaos. (I’ve still got clean hair, clean clothes, and make-up on though, which is absolutely not the norm).
Oh the absolute truth of this. I’ve been thinking about this quote for a couple of weeks now, and since my Grandma’s funeral especially. There has been so much to grieve this past year - so many people and also many other smaller life losses - and yet I feel like the true weight of it all is being held at bay for now, while we’re still stuck in survival mode. Being locked down has done strange things to grief for me, amplifying the surreality of it, and making it impossible to feel the full force of how much you will miss someone. Because at the moment you miss everyone, everything.

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